Brown Bazooka

World’s Saddest Virgin – Howard Stern Contest Winner

Richard, the “Hairy Mole Guy” was up for the World’s Saddest Virgin contest today on Howard Stern. The other competitor’s were  Alex with cerebral palsy and a Business Admin degree and Peter, a slow, young man with Chinese heritage and karate skills learned from watching Brandon Lee movies.

And the winner is…Alex. He’s getting a trip to Vegas to some kind of porn awards or something.

Richard, "Hairy Mole Guy" from Howard Stern

Richard, "Hairy Mole Guy" from Howard Stern, loses World's Saddest Virgin contest

Boy On 30 Year Old Milk Carton Still Missing – Milk Bad

Apparently the missing kid routine on milk cartons wasn’t too successful for Etan Platz, one of the first missing kids to find their way onto a milk carton. After 30 years, his whereabouts are still unknown and the milk has since turned to cottage cheese.

Missing milk carton kid, still missing after 30 years

If you’re interested in some great cottage cheese recipes, then here’s the book for you.

16 Cottage Cheese Recipes

16 Cottage Cheese Recipes

Woman attacked by Chimp – on Oprah (Pictures)

The most famous woman to be attacked by a chimp was on Oprah and now she’s doing a “Don’t Hang Out With People Who Have Pet Chimps” safety tour. She’s spreading the good word and taking her freeak show on the road. It’s not her fault though, not really. But, come on…you’re keeping company with people who own chimpanzees. And, who names their chimp (or any pet) “Travis?” Here’s what she looks like post-chimp-attack.

Every Which Way But Loose

I’ve been attacked by a drunk redneck with a mullet, juiced-up frat boys, old ladies with stiff purses, Dobermans, mosquitoes, bees, and angry ex-girlfriends – but never a chimp. The drunk redneck dotted my eye, the juiced-up frat boys chipped my tooth and the angry ex-girlfriends made me laugh (even my current, live-in girlfriend hits me from time to time, and the fact that I called her “live-in” is going to earn me another shot).

But, I’ve never been attacked by a chimp. A chimp will do some damage, as we’re now all well aware. And anything will set them off – a new hairstyle, a big white smile, a bright sweater. Now that I think about it, I kind of sound like a chimp.

I wouldn’t go near an adult chimp even if my mother had raised it, and she has a heart of gold. If anybody could raise a sweet chimp, it’d be my mom. It’d be a fat thing that snacked all day while watching Court TV – but I wouldn’t go near it. It’d rip my face off as soon as I put the baseball game on.

Let’s believe in aliens just in case, says Vatican

The Vatican is looking for signs of extraterrestrial life and trying to determine what it could mean for the Catholic Church. Right, because when aliens finally show up, we’re all going to say, “I wonder what’s going on down at the catholic church. I wonder if they’re still going to have that bake sale.”

Aliens at the Vatican

Now that you mention it, maybe there are aliens after all. Hey, we might as well look into it just to be safe. What if aliens show up and we’ve been denying they exist all along and they’re tougher than us? I mean, we should just be cool about it to be safe. What if, you know? It’s a smart bet. We might as well just go with it because it’s not going to hurt anything.

Bus driver forces prayer on passengers – Still bus driver next day

An Atlanta bus driver stopped their bus in mid transit to lead passengers in a 4 minute prayer. People observed the parked bus and saw men and women standing inside, but could not tell what they were doing. Well, they were praying of course. Because, that’s what you do on a bus. Jesus could not be reached for comment.

BusRide copy

“Dear Lord I would like to thank you for this bus that I am driving today. I’d like to thank you on behalf of my passengers for the very comfortable ride. I ask that you forgive me Lord for all of the bugs that I have killed with my windshield today. Please don’t let anyone find the bodies in my crawl space, Lord.”

Man Attends Own Funeral, Arrives in Trash Guzzling Delorean

A Brazilian man attended his own funeral after he was wrongly identified as a man in a fatal car accident. I’m sure he stood in the back of the funeral parlor for awhile after signing the guest book, taking note of all who were in attendance and who seemed to be taking it the worst.

I’m guessing that an attention-deprived, jealous brother of the undead man,  made the identification of his undead brother in haste – only to have the plan backfire in his face as both the undead mother and brother engaged in excessive hugging after the initial shock wore off.

Back to the Future Brazil

Too Young for Social Networking? Polanski says, “Never”

A recent bit talks about whether or not social networking sites are healthy for children, basically asking, “How young is too young?” Without any kids or Roman Polanski’s phone number, it’s hard for me to tell at what age kids start getting interested in this kind of thing. I’m guessing that they’re seeing their mom’s and dad’s taking part, so it’s a monkey-see/monkey-do sort of thing.

Maybe this brings up the need for a new site called,, so these kids can start bartering what’s in their lunch boxes before they ever get to school. It’ll save them time and a lot of haggling. You make the deal the day before school – a snack-sized bag of Cheetos for half of your buddy’s bologna sandwich. These kids need to get with it before technology passes them by.

Too young for social networking?

Nice computer, stupid baby. (And, if you're posing babies with computers to take photos for iStock, then you probably hate your life.)

Well, they’re saying that scientists think social networking during early adolescence could present some mental problems in the future – they’re linking it to internet addiction in adults which is kind-of-funny because if you’re over the age of 40 and you’re addicted to the internet, it’s not because you started logging on at an early age. The internet didn’t exist when 40 year olds were kids. Well, the internet existed, but not like it does today.

I think kids getting into social networking at an early age will have the opposite effect of what the scientists are saying. I think it will cause them to get tired of social networking and the internet. If they spend their early years updating their Facebook status all day, “Smells like mac & cheese again, thanks mom!’ or, “I need a new toy!” or, “When are they going to make start making new Sponge Bobs and stop running the same episodes over and over?”

Kids are going to get tired of the internet when they’re adults. People are going to start despising the adolescence of the internet. When I was little, I spent all day playing with my hotwheels and GI Joe guys. Eventually, though, it got old and all those toys were put up in the attic.

Dude, where’s my van? Oh, there it is!

A VW fun-bus that was stolen 35 years ago has finally been recovered and it’s in mint condition. It had been purchased originally for a few hundred dollars, and the experts now say it’s worth $27,000. “Hey, I’m a VW bus expert! Look at me! I’ll tell you what a VW van is worth!”

VW Van found

Upon retrieval, the owner immediately squirted it with patchouli and put a peace frog sticker in the back window. Actually, the stabbin’ cabin went to the insurance company that had paid off its original owner. So, right now, some AllState insurance dink is cruising around on shakedown street. Just give the dude his van back man!

Osage Oranges

I was out walking the dogs at the Battleground Park, stumbling around near old cabins from ages ago when I came across what looked like lime green brains in the grass. Upon further review and research I discovered what they were. (Okay, the Old Lady figured it out)

Osage Orange

Beyond OK and AK these trees are quite rare, I believe. And Osage Orange trees don’t get fruity unless they’re female and they’re 10 years old.

Osage Orange

The Osage Orange, they say, was planted as a natural barrier to protect properties from poaching.

Osage Orange

I have this cucumber air freshener in my car that’s powered by the cigarette lighter (I mean the power adapter) and it smells like this damn Osage Orange! It’s amazing. This crazy fruit has the skin of an old lizard, the guts of a coconut crossed with a kiwi, and the smell of a fanned, freshly-sliced cucumber in the hands of a beach-tanning Seth MacFarlane.

Osage Orange

Native American warriors incorporated the Osage Oranges into their war clubs. These things are bad ass. When I was walking the dogs I feared gravity yanking one down onto the head of my little miniature dachshund. She would have been crushed by these lizard-skinned, lime green demon fruits. The Osage Orange is an awesome tree with skinny leaves that get yellow in autumn. You can also call them hedge apples, if you’re a pussy.

Third World Soon to be Annoyed by Penis Enhancement Ads

O3B Networks has a goal to provide internet access to “the other 3 billion” people in the world. Soon enough, millions (wait, billions) will be annoyed by penis enhancement ads and fake job postings in their email inbox. And what’s going to happen with all the money scams that come out of Africa?

O3B Networks Global Internet

Can the people in these countries handle things like “Two Girls One Cup” and “One Guy One Jar?”

O3B thinks so. They’re launching a pile of satellites that will orbit the earth and transmit a wireless connection all over the world and to places where the internet doesn’t exist. Is that really what they need? In a place without paved roads or a decent clean meal, they can now check out what Lindsey Lohan is up to on TMZ and bid on baseball cards on Ebay.

Part of the Mission Statement for O3B says they’re looking to “enrich lives.” I can just imagine the millions of Facebook status updates – Chundi Unduku – is swatting flies and still hungry or Guli Putango – has a disease that hasn’t been discovered yet.

What kind of global connections do these people need to make? I think we’ve got 3 billion future University of Phoenix grads on our hands.