Brown Bazooka

Fez Whatley’s Wig from Ron and Fez

If you listen to Ron and Fez and you were wondering what Fez’s wig looks like, here it is. What’s there to say?

Fez Whatley's Wig

Fez Whatley's Wig

Susan Boyle Artwork

I wish I could take the credit for this art, but I cannot.

"Susan Boyle" art, Susan Boyle in New York at Today Show

Susan Boyle with Cat

Susan Boyle on Today Show, first visit to New York

Susan Boyle. The smile. The voice. Oh, the voice.

The “Infectious laugh,” as Matt Lauer so boldly put it. And he nailed it, just as Matt Lauer so often does. An infectious laugh indeed, Madame Boyle. Susan Boyle, you are the world’s softest, warmest brownie.

Like so many of us, you were beaten by your teachers and ridiculed by your childhood peers. But, like none of us, you have a voice that makes love to miracles and you have a strong resemblance to David Crosby. Dream the impossible dream, Susan. I’m dreaming that dream. I’m dreaming it.

Right now.

David Crosby and Susan Boyle Today Show

Dream that dream, Susan. Dream it all day long.

“I Want My Mammograms” – You Just Can’t Please a Woman

I Want My Mammograms 40-49

As if a man needed more proof that you can’t please a woman, now they’re outraged about not having mammograms (get the story here). The Preventative Health Task Force announced that women in their 40’s didn’t need the annual exam because, while the exams revealed 2 cancer cases for every 1,000 exams, there are 98 more women who receive false positives.

The announcement comes amid so many pink ribbon campaigns and the heavy push for breast cancer awareness, making for a frustrating and strange announcement. What might be more important to note is that they’re also saying the self exam isn’t a successful way for discovering cancer either. If anything, this might at least reduce some anxiety in the female population who worry about false positives.

But, no suprise to any man in the world, women are complaining. Now, they want mammograms. Well, it’s not like they’re passing a law making them illegal. It’s your right to schedule a mammogram and nobody can take that away from you.

What’s a little worrisome is the possibility (it’s more-than-likely) that insurance companies will pull back coverage for women in their forties. These mammogram announcements are going to cause the insurance companies to stop covering expenses for mammorgrams forcing concerned women in their forties to reach into their own pockets if they feel like a mammogram is a necessary exam.

The main idea of the announcement is that it’s merely a recommendation from a task force. This is not a law or decision being handed down by the government. Women in their forties aren’t being told that they can no longer have mammograms – they’re being told that they’re not recommended because the false positives and intrusive biopsies out number how many cases of cancer that are found.

Relax out there, all you mammogram-loving women – nobody is stopping you from having an excellent time! Get out there and get your mammograms and have a party. It’s too bad that people can’t take the positive out of this announcement and consider that breast cancer isn’t affecting as many women in their forties as what was once maybe thought. Soon enough you’ll be 50 years old and you can get all the mammograms you want!

If the shoe was on the other foot and men were getting a similar recommendation, then the reactions would be completely different. “You’re telling me that really don’t need to get a prostate exam every year if I’m between the ages of 40-49?” What guy wouldn’t want to hear that recommendation?

There wouldn’t be too much complaining.  Men aren’t going to show frustration over any kind of authoritative advice telling them that they should go to the doctor less often, especially for something like a prostate exam. So, men, let’s just wait for our good news to come. In the meantime there’s really nothing we can do for women. You can’t please them.

“Alright! You don’t have to go to the doctor so much anymore! Aren’t you excited?”

“What? I want to go to the doctor more often. I like going…”

“But you said you hate mammograms.”

“Well, I didn’t like them. But, now I like them. I think I need them. I want my mammograms!”

Elizabeth Lambert Talks to the New York Times – Takes Pretty Picture (One Step Closer to My Playboy Prediction)

I’m surprised that everybody still cares. Years ago when I ran around in short Umbros diving at shins and handing out elbows, nobody seemed to care too much. I guess that’s because the internet wasn’t chugging along and because I’m not Elizabeth Lambert. Here’s the NY Times piece…

Elizabeth Lambert babbles to the New York Times - Playboy to come...

Elizabeth Lambert babbles to the New York Times - Playboy to come...

“I look at it and I’m like, ‘That is not me,’ ” said Lambert, a defender, all-conference academic player and pony-tail destroyer. “I have so much regret. I can’t believe I did that.”

This obviously wasn’t the first time Elizabeth Lambert has wreaked havoc on the soccer field. Why else would the camera be focused on her when the play isn’t near her, and why else would anyone be filming a girls’ soccer game? Nothing like watching a girls’ soccer game twice!

The New York Times says that Lambert says that a lot of the violence “came during the forceful, insistent play that routinely occurred in women’s soccer but might be misunderstood by casual fans.”

That’s what it is. The pure, savage nature of girls’ soccer is being misunderstood. We don’t get it. Apparently, she still wakes up in a sweat. A sweat fueled by nightmares of more YouTube videos going viral.

Elizabeth Lambert says she is working with a psychologist and speaking to youth about the incident, because the problem is deeply rooted in her psyche and our children need to hear her message. Just stay in your dorm Elizabeth Lambert and forget about it.

My prediction still stands. Elizabeth Lambert will pose in Playboy.

Woman Fakes Cancer for Fake Breasts

So, this girl with an awful name, Trista Lathern, pretends to have breast cancer in Waco, TX. Local radio stations held fund raisers and benefit dinners. She took donations and all that business. She wanted the money to pay for some sweet breast implants. I guess she planned on telling people that she had a rare form of breast cancer that made her breasts bigger and nicer. She lied to her husband, shaved her head, etc.

Trista Lather Fakes Breasts Cancer for Fake Breasts

This actually happened in my home town with a girl that I went to high school with. ‘Theft by Deception’ or ‘Theft by Pretend Cancer’ is what it’s called. This girl I know, Jessica, she even had a benefit spaghetti dinner for herself and had convinced her husband that she had ovarian cancer. Everything was fine-and-dandy until she got pregnant. And the spaghetti wasn’t even very good.

That just seems like a lot of work to get some implants.

Fake cancer rates in the United States are increasing every year. Fake cancer is becoming a leading cause for fake benefit spaghetti dinners throughout the midwest. Contact me if you’d like to make a donation to support fake cancer awareness.

Lauren Johnson, “Girl Who Can’t Stop Sneezing,” Loses 8 Brain Cells Per Sneeze

It’s a scientific fact! Every time you sneeze you kill 8 brain cells. Yesterday I killed 48 brain in a ten second span. When I sneeze, I go all out. In fact, my sneezes are so violent that it’s safe to say I’m dropping 10 brain cells per rip. And what about this little girl who constantly sneezes? She’s got to be a little slow by now after sneezing for two weeks.

Lauren Johnson, girl who can't stop sneezing

Sorry Lauren Johnson, I’m not buying it. I’m not buying your two-week sneeze-fest.

This kid was on the Today Show (which is an awesome show) and she was constantly sneezing. If she’s killing 8 brain cells per sneeze, and she’s sneezing all day long, 12,000 sneezes per day, she’s can’t be a very bright girl. Do the math.


Woman attacked by Chimp – on Oprah (Pictures)

The most famous woman to be attacked by a chimp was on Oprah and now she’s doing a “Don’t Hang Out With People Who Have Pet Chimps” safety tour. She’s spreading the good word and taking her freeak show on the road. It’s not her fault though, not really. But, come on…you’re keeping company with people who own chimpanzees. And, who names their chimp (or any pet) “Travis?” Here’s what she looks like post-chimp-attack.

Every Which Way But Loose

I’ve been attacked by a drunk redneck with a mullet, juiced-up frat boys, old ladies with stiff purses, Dobermans, mosquitoes, bees, and angry ex-girlfriends – but never a chimp. The drunk redneck dotted my eye, the juiced-up frat boys chipped my tooth and the angry ex-girlfriends made me laugh (even my current, live-in girlfriend hits me from time to time, and the fact that I called her “live-in” is going to earn me another shot).

But, I’ve never been attacked by a chimp. A chimp will do some damage, as we’re now all well aware. And anything will set them off – a new hairstyle, a big white smile, a bright sweater. Now that I think about it, I kind of sound like a chimp.

I wouldn’t go near an adult chimp even if my mother had raised it, and she has a heart of gold. If anybody could raise a sweet chimp, it’d be my mom. It’d be a fat thing that snacked all day while watching Court TV – but I wouldn’t go near it. It’d rip my face off as soon as I put the baseball game on.

Elizabeth Lambert Speaks Out on Today Show? No, they are liars – Playboy Prediction still holds

You can be sure that Hugh Heffner is awaiting Elizabeth Lambert’s Today Show appearance to determine how much airbrushing will be needed to make the soccer goon presentable in a spread. I was waiting, too. But, the Today Show lied. Matt Lauer is a liar. Did she back out? What is the deal Today Show? Focus less on Bon Jovi and more on landing violent, female soccer players, like my girlfriend.

So, the real question behind this whole Elizabeth Lambert soccer fiasco is, “Who is the loser filming a girl’s soccer game, anyway?” What a terrible job for this poor soul that is forced to watch an entire girl’s soccer game.

Elizabeth Lambert Soccer Fight Girl

I imagine that this is what Elizabeth Lambert would have said, had she actually been on the Today Show. “I was having a bad day that day and the competition was so heated. That girl’s soccer game got so intense that I couldn’t contain myself.” Come on, it’s a bunch of girls walking around in shorts and knee-high socks, kicking at balls and flitting their pony tails around. Wait, that does sound intense…

Elizabeth Lambert did what anyone who’s been forced to sit through an entire girl’s soccer game wants to do, yank players down by their pony tails and throw a couple of elbows.

Is she going to announce to Al Roker, live on the Today Show, her plan to be in Playboy? I think it’s going to happen at some point.

Elizabeth Lambert Will Pose in Playboy (Girl from soccer fight)

You’ve probably seen the lowlight video of the women’s BYU (I thought that was a boy’s only school) vs. New Mexico soccer match where Elizabeth Lambert tormented a team full of other girls that were marginally prettier. Here’s a link to the video highlights. Go Lobos!

Her name is Elizabeth Lambert and I’m predicting that she’ll be posing in Playboy very soon. She looks like she might be kind of hot, but that doesn’t matter. Heffner, or some other magazine, will want her to compromise her girls’ soccer morals and take off her shin guards. Actually, leave the shin guards and cleats on and take everything else off if you’re going to do it.

Elizabeth Lambert Playboy Posing?

Call me Pele, if you're nasty!

And after seeing this picture, and the look in her eye, I’m changing my prediction from Playboy to Hustler.

I was going to link to ESPN for the footage, but I find it rather humorous that people are bootlegging off their own TVs and posting it to you YouTube. That’s excellent photo journalism and an awesome way to use time – just like this blog. If you like that kind of quality then I’ve got some videos of a local theater’s rendition of “Race” I’ll trade you for any old Entertainment Tonight bootlegs you have.