Brown Bazooka

Chaz Bono – Oh, how you’ve changed…

There couldn’t be a shapelier pair of man breasts on the planet than the one’s below. No, it’s not Chaz Bono, it’s David Crosby. David, oh how you’ve changed, too…

David Crosby man boobs chaz bono

In a quest for a decent David Crosby picture, I found this double-take inducing eye feast.

Marijuana does cause man boobs, or, at least that’s what they told us back in school. Is that true? Check out the interesting forum discussion on about this highly-relevant topic here. Thanks again for the internet, Mr. Gore.

“I Want My Mammograms” – You Just Can’t Please a Woman

I Want My Mammograms 40-49

As if a man needed more proof that you can’t please a woman, now they’re outraged about not having mammograms (get the story here). The Preventative Health Task Force announced that women in their 40’s didn’t need the annual exam because, while the exams revealed 2 cancer cases for every 1,000 exams, there are 98 more women who receive false positives.

The announcement comes amid so many pink ribbon campaigns and the heavy push for breast cancer awareness, making for a frustrating and strange announcement. What might be more important to note is that they’re also saying the self exam isn’t a successful way for discovering cancer either. If anything, this might at least reduce some anxiety in the female population who worry about false positives.

But, no suprise to any man in the world, women are complaining. Now, they want mammograms. Well, it’s not like they’re passing a law making them illegal. It’s your right to schedule a mammogram and nobody can take that away from you.

What’s a little worrisome is the possibility (it’s more-than-likely) that insurance companies will pull back coverage for women in their forties. These mammogram announcements are going to cause the insurance companies to stop covering expenses for mammorgrams forcing concerned women in their forties to reach into their own pockets if they feel like a mammogram is a necessary exam.

The main idea of the announcement is that it’s merely a recommendation from a task force. This is not a law or decision being handed down by the government. Women in their forties aren’t being told that they can no longer have mammograms – they’re being told that they’re not recommended because the false positives and intrusive biopsies out number how many cases of cancer that are found.

Relax out there, all you mammogram-loving women – nobody is stopping you from having an excellent time! Get out there and get your mammograms and have a party. It’s too bad that people can’t take the positive out of this announcement and consider that breast cancer isn’t affecting as many women in their forties as what was once maybe thought. Soon enough you’ll be 50 years old and you can get all the mammograms you want!

If the shoe was on the other foot and men were getting a similar recommendation, then the reactions would be completely different. “You’re telling me that really don’t need to get a prostate exam every year if I’m between the ages of 40-49?” What guy wouldn’t want to hear that recommendation?

There wouldn’t be too much complaining.  Men aren’t going to show frustration over any kind of authoritative advice telling them that they should go to the doctor less often, especially for something like a prostate exam. So, men, let’s just wait for our good news to come. In the meantime there’s really nothing we can do for women. You can’t please them.

“Alright! You don’t have to go to the doctor so much anymore! Aren’t you excited?”

“What? I want to go to the doctor more often. I like going…”

“But you said you hate mammograms.”

“Well, I didn’t like them. But, now I like them. I think I need them. I want my mammograms!”

Woman Fakes Cancer for Fake Breasts

So, this girl with an awful name, Trista Lathern, pretends to have breast cancer in Waco, TX. Local radio stations held fund raisers and benefit dinners. She took donations and all that business. She wanted the money to pay for some sweet breast implants. I guess she planned on telling people that she had a rare form of breast cancer that made her breasts bigger and nicer. She lied to her husband, shaved her head, etc.

Trista Lather Fakes Breasts Cancer for Fake Breasts

This actually happened in my home town with a girl that I went to high school with. ‘Theft by Deception’ or ‘Theft by Pretend Cancer’ is what it’s called. This girl I know, Jessica, she even had a benefit spaghetti dinner for herself and had convinced her husband that she had ovarian cancer. Everything was fine-and-dandy until she got pregnant. And the spaghetti wasn’t even very good.

That just seems like a lot of work to get some implants.

Fake cancer rates in the United States are increasing every year. Fake cancer is becoming a leading cause for fake benefit spaghetti dinners throughout the midwest. Contact me if you’d like to make a donation to support fake cancer awareness.

Lauren Johnson, “Girl Who Can’t Stop Sneezing,” Loses 8 Brain Cells Per Sneeze

It’s a scientific fact! Every time you sneeze you kill 8 brain cells. Yesterday I killed 48 brain in a ten second span. When I sneeze, I go all out. In fact, my sneezes are so violent that it’s safe to say I’m dropping 10 brain cells per rip. And what about this little girl who constantly sneezes? She’s got to be a little slow by now after sneezing for two weeks.

Lauren Johnson, girl who can't stop sneezing

Sorry Lauren Johnson, I’m not buying it. I’m not buying your two-week sneeze-fest.

This kid was on the Today Show (which is an awesome show) and she was constantly sneezing. If she’s killing 8 brain cells per sneeze, and she’s sneezing all day long, 12,000 sneezes per day, she’s can’t be a very bright girl. Do the math.


Woman attacked by Chimp – on Oprah (Pictures)

The most famous woman to be attacked by a chimp was on Oprah and now she’s doing a “Don’t Hang Out With People Who Have Pet Chimps” safety tour. She’s spreading the good word and taking her freeak show on the road. It’s not her fault though, not really. But, come on…you’re keeping company with people who own chimpanzees. And, who names their chimp (or any pet) “Travis?” Here’s what she looks like post-chimp-attack.

Every Which Way But Loose

I’ve been attacked by a drunk redneck with a mullet, juiced-up frat boys, old ladies with stiff purses, Dobermans, mosquitoes, bees, and angry ex-girlfriends – but never a chimp. The drunk redneck dotted my eye, the juiced-up frat boys chipped my tooth and the angry ex-girlfriends made me laugh (even my current, live-in girlfriend hits me from time to time, and the fact that I called her “live-in” is going to earn me another shot).

But, I’ve never been attacked by a chimp. A chimp will do some damage, as we’re now all well aware. And anything will set them off – a new hairstyle, a big white smile, a bright sweater. Now that I think about it, I kind of sound like a chimp.

I wouldn’t go near an adult chimp even if my mother had raised it, and she has a heart of gold. If anybody could raise a sweet chimp, it’d be my mom. It’d be a fat thing that snacked all day while watching Court TV – but I wouldn’t go near it. It’d rip my face off as soon as I put the baseball game on.

The Lighter Side of Sammy Sosa

Of course there’s nothing wrong with Sammy Sosa, he’s just rejuvenating his skin. Sure, he’s white now, but that’s just a side-effect from the treatment. He’s fine. Sammy’s isn’t used to having synthetic chemicals in his body…it’s just an adverse reaction to some Drakar Noir.

Sammy Sosa Skin

Cereal Supports Immunity with Great Copy
Cereal Immunity

Kellogg's is under fire for claiming their cereals support immunity - packaging copy battle looms among cereal powerhouses.

Kellog’s recent cereal box copy talking about how their cereals support immunity in children, has drawn criticism and a requirement from the FDA to prove their claims. They’re basically saying that because it has some extra vitamins in it, it’s going to help your body defend itself against illness – playing off Swine Flu fears.

The basic idea here is that anything with any nutrients is going to support your immunity – but there’s nothing special about your cocoa krispies. Kellogg’s is saying they increased the values of vitamins A, C, D and E to 25%…up from 10%.

Kellogg’s isn’t saying that their cereal is a substitute for a flu vaccination -they’re just saying that their cereal, because of the vitamin content, helps your body’s immune system.

Kellogg’s has some clever copywriters and they just got the publicity to prove it. Now people doing bits on morning news shows are forced to say things like, “Well, yes, this cereal helps your immune system because it has all these vitamins in it…but it’s not going to completely protect you from getting sick.”

And that’s all Kellogg’s is saying in the first place. No parent is buying a box of cereal for their kid because they think it will protect their kid from getting sick. They will buy it because of the “extra” vitamin content.

Other things that support your immune system are – eating, sleeping, relaxation and exercise.

Best Wishes Cake
October 24, 2009, 8:00 pm
Filed under: Healthy Living, Marketing, Pot Pie World | Tags: , , ,

My father, a resident of the ICU in Detroit’s VA hospital was the recipient of a lovely “Best Wishes Cake” on his 63rd birthday. The cake was also accompanied by two cups of ice cream, a balloon and a musical Three Stooges card the brought a tear from my father’s eye. He happens to be a big Three Stooges fan. I ate the ice cream, but the cake is in the freezer.

The Best Wishes Cake given to my father while he's in ICU by the lovely volunteers at Detroit's VA hospital.

The Best Wishes Cake given to my father while he's in ICU by the lovely volunteers at Detroit's VA hospital.