Brown Bazooka


Woman Fakes Cancer for Fake Breasts

So, this girl with an awful name, Trista Lathern, pretends to have breast cancer in Waco, TX. Local radio stations held fund raisers and benefit dinners. She took donations and all that business. She wanted the money to pay for some sweet breast implants. I guess she planned on telling people that she had a rare form of breast cancer that made her breasts bigger and nicer. She lied to her husband, shaved her head, etc.

Trista Lather Fakes Breasts Cancer for Fake Breasts

This actually happened in my home town with a girl that I went to high school with. ‘Theft by Deception’ or ‘Theft by Pretend Cancer’ is what it’s called. This girl I know, Jessica, she even had a benefit spaghetti dinner for herself and had convinced her husband that she had ovarian cancer. Everything was fine-and-dandy until she got pregnant. And the spaghetti wasn’t even very good.

That just seems like a lot of work to get some implants.

Fake cancer rates in the United States are increasing every year. Fake cancer is becoming a leading cause for fake benefit spaghetti dinners throughout the midwest. Contact me if you’d like to make a donation to support fake cancer awareness.

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Woman attacked by Chimp – on Oprah (Pictures)

The most famous woman to be attacked by a chimp was on Oprah and now she’s doing a “Don’t Hang Out With People Who Have Pet Chimps” safety tour. She’s spreading the good word and taking her freeak show on the road. It’s not her fault though, not really. But, come on…you’re keeping company with people who own chimpanzees. And, who names their chimp (or any pet) “Travis?” Here’s what she looks like post-chimp-attack.

Every Which Way But Loose

I’ve been attacked by a drunk redneck with a mullet, juiced-up frat boys, old ladies with stiff purses, Dobermans, mosquitoes, bees, and angry ex-girlfriends – but never a chimp. The drunk redneck dotted my eye, the juiced-up frat boys chipped my tooth and the angry ex-girlfriends made me laugh (even my current, live-in girlfriend hits me from time to time, and the fact that I called her “live-in” is going to earn me another shot).

But, I’ve never been attacked by a chimp. A chimp will do some damage, as we’re now all well aware. And anything will set them off – a new hairstyle, a big white smile, a bright sweater. Now that I think about it, I kind of sound like a chimp.

I wouldn’t go near an adult chimp even if my mother had raised it, and she has a heart of gold. If anybody could raise a sweet chimp, it’d be my mom. It’d be a fat thing that snacked all day while watching Court TV – but I wouldn’t go near it. It’d rip my face off as soon as I put the baseball game on.



Someone Stole My Mexican Baby

Three doctors, a nurse and a receptionist have all been arrested for swiping babies in Mexico. Is this really necessary? I mean, there’s got to be enough to go around. That’s like stealing out of the “Give a Penny, Take a Penny” cup at the gas station.

And a receptionist? What kind of role were they playing in this whole deal? Did they have to stand in front of the nurse while she walked out with a baby under her shirt? A married couple and a woman who bought a couple of babies were also arrested – I guess for buying babies?

The doctors were telling the parents of the newborns that their babies had died while the nurses snuck behind them with the babies up their shirts – pulling the old, Hidden Ball Trick #67. When the parents asked, “Can we see our dead baby?” the doctors would simply reply, “No, you can’t. The baby has already evaporated into thin air which is what Mexican babies do when they die, leaving behind a small pile of good-smelling dust which I’ve put into this baggy.”

In all honesty, these doctors were actually telling the parents that their babies were cremated. So, my little bit about the dust really isn’t too far off.

A mother asked the doctor for the baby’s ashes or at least a death certificate October 27, and the doctor replied: “I already told you. She died. I took her to be incinerated. There’s nothing more to talk about or do. The documents are on the way.”

What do you think the price is for a Mexican baby? (Answer below)

Stolen Mexican Baby

Mexican babies were going for $1,100.



Ryan Seacrest has a Stalker?

Suddenly, your life just started looking a lot better. You find yourself reading some random blog, you get a little depressed, “What am I doing?” you ask yourself. Well, things could be a lot worse. You could be stalking Ryan Seacrest. Or, even worse than that, you could be getting into trouble for stalking Ryan Seacrest.

It’s so embarrassing that even the Army is apologizing. The 25 year old Chidi Uzomah is an Army Reserve Sergeant – Come on, he’s stalking Ryan Seacrest – he’s carrying knives around looking for him and choking bodyguards who aren’t letting him “meet” with Seacrest.

Oh Chidi Uzomah…what has happened to you?



Mayberry Murder a Domestic Issue?

WXII News 12 is reporting suspicion that the shooting of four people in Mt. Airy this past weekend was related to a domestic dispute. The accused killer was picked up just beyond the Virginia border, which is only a handful of miles away from Mt. Airy, in a hotel.

Locally, they’ve called it a “mass murder” on the news, but I’m not sure that 4 people constitutes that label. When asked for comment, Matlock said, “I think it has to be more than eight people. So, nine or more.” Andy Griffith could not be reached for comment.

Right now, Marcos Gonzales is only a suspect, but you can rest assured that the men of Mt. Airy and Mayberry are on this one. It’d be interesting to see a remake of this show, or a spoof, where the residents deal with the influx of Hispanic immigrants. I’d be curious to see how that would go.



Four Shot Dead in Mayberry
November 2, 2009, 12:12 pm
Filed under: Criminals, North Carolina | Tags: , , , ,

A Hispanic man was arrested for the death of 4 other Hispanic men behind a Mt. Airy, NC  business. For those of you who don’t know, Mt. Airy, NC is the birthplace of Andy Griffith and is literally the fictional town of Mayberry. Both Andy and Matlock are on the case.

Mt. Airy is a cute little tourist town that thrives off the Andy Griffith Show. As you walk down the main street you hear the whistled theme song from the show playing from the speakers of some of the shops. There are many diners that give you that old school feel.

08-18-09_1441

I had a cheeseburger at this diner in Mt. Airy, NC - it was like touristy time travel.

For one day, Mt. Airy, NC will be known as a Hispanic murder haven where Latino men go to kill and be killed. You can be sure, though, that silver-topped men and women will still arrive by the bus load to visit one of the most, old school pieces of Americana that still exists.

As a side note, my girlfriend’s grandmother went to high school with Andy Griffith. From what I’ve been told, Aunt Mae, also from Mt. Airy, was very rude and snobbish.



The Old “Sharpie Ski Mask” Trick
October 30, 2009, 1:33 am
Filed under: Criminals, Men | Tags: , , , ,

These guys tried to break into somebody’s house. I think the key word here is “tried.” But, the real key is the way they decided to disguise their identities.