Brown Bazooka


Susan Boyle Artwork

I wish I could take the credit for this art, but I cannot.

"Susan Boyle" art, Susan Boyle in New York at Today Show

Susan Boyle with Cat



Susan Boyle on Today Show, first visit to New York

Susan Boyle. The smile. The voice. Oh, the voice.

The “Infectious laugh,” as Matt Lauer so boldly put it. And he nailed it, just as Matt Lauer so often does. An infectious laugh indeed, Madame Boyle. Susan Boyle, you are the world’s softest, warmest brownie.

Like so many of us, you were beaten by your teachers and ridiculed by your childhood peers. But, like none of us, you have a voice that makes love to miracles and you have a strong resemblance to David Crosby. Dream the impossible dream, Susan. I’m dreaming that dream. I’m dreaming it.

Right now.

David Crosby and Susan Boyle Today Show

Dream that dream, Susan. Dream it all day long.



Medicated Pete’s Date with Dynah

You asked for it (nobody asked for it) and you got it. Here’s Medicated Pete’s excruciating date with Dynah, the girl in the wheelchair. It’s all from the Howard Stern Show.

 



“I Want My Mammograms” – You Just Can’t Please a Woman

I Want My Mammograms 40-49

As if a man needed more proof that you can’t please a woman, now they’re outraged about not having mammograms (get the story here). The Preventative Health Task Force announced that women in their 40’s didn’t need the annual exam because, while the exams revealed 2 cancer cases for every 1,000 exams, there are 98 more women who receive false positives.

The announcement comes amid so many pink ribbon campaigns and the heavy push for breast cancer awareness, making for a frustrating and strange announcement. What might be more important to note is that they’re also saying the self exam isn’t a successful way for discovering cancer either. If anything, this might at least reduce some anxiety in the female population who worry about false positives.

But, no suprise to any man in the world, women are complaining. Now, they want mammograms. Well, it’s not like they’re passing a law making them illegal. It’s your right to schedule a mammogram and nobody can take that away from you.

What’s a little worrisome is the possibility (it’s more-than-likely) that insurance companies will pull back coverage for women in their forties. These mammogram announcements are going to cause the insurance companies to stop covering expenses for mammorgrams forcing concerned women in their forties to reach into their own pockets if they feel like a mammogram is a necessary exam.

The main idea of the announcement is that it’s merely a recommendation from a task force. This is not a law or decision being handed down by the government. Women in their forties aren’t being told that they can no longer have mammograms – they’re being told that they’re not recommended because the false positives and intrusive biopsies out number how many cases of cancer that are found.

Relax out there, all you mammogram-loving women – nobody is stopping you from having an excellent time! Get out there and get your mammograms and have a party. It’s too bad that people can’t take the positive out of this announcement and consider that breast cancer isn’t affecting as many women in their forties as what was once maybe thought. Soon enough you’ll be 50 years old and you can get all the mammograms you want!

If the shoe was on the other foot and men were getting a similar recommendation, then the reactions would be completely different. “You’re telling me that really don’t need to get a prostate exam every year if I’m between the ages of 40-49?” What guy wouldn’t want to hear that recommendation?

There wouldn’t be too much complaining.  Men aren’t going to show frustration over any kind of authoritative advice telling them that they should go to the doctor less often, especially for something like a prostate exam. So, men, let’s just wait for our good news to come. In the meantime there’s really nothing we can do for women. You can’t please them.

“Alright! You don’t have to go to the doctor so much anymore! Aren’t you excited?”

“What? I want to go to the doctor more often. I like going…”

“But you said you hate mammograms.”

“Well, I didn’t like them. But, now I like them. I think I need them. I want my mammograms!”



Elizabeth Lambert Talks to the New York Times – Takes Pretty Picture (One Step Closer to My Playboy Prediction)

I’m surprised that everybody still cares. Years ago when I ran around in short Umbros diving at shins and handing out elbows, nobody seemed to care too much. I guess that’s because the internet wasn’t chugging along and because I’m not Elizabeth Lambert. Here’s the NY Times piece…

Elizabeth Lambert babbles to the New York Times - Playboy to come...

Elizabeth Lambert babbles to the New York Times - Playboy to come...

“I look at it and I’m like, ‘That is not me,’ ” said Lambert, a defender, all-conference academic player and pony-tail destroyer. “I have so much regret. I can’t believe I did that.”

This obviously wasn’t the first time Elizabeth Lambert has wreaked havoc on the soccer field. Why else would the camera be focused on her when the play isn’t near her, and why else would anyone be filming a girls’ soccer game? Nothing like watching a girls’ soccer game twice!

The New York Times says that Lambert says that a lot of the violence “came during the forceful, insistent play that routinely occurred in women’s soccer but might be misunderstood by casual fans.”

That’s what it is. The pure, savage nature of girls’ soccer is being misunderstood. We don’t get it. Apparently, she still wakes up in a sweat. A sweat fueled by nightmares of more YouTube videos going viral.

Elizabeth Lambert says she is working with a psychologist and speaking to youth about the incident, because the problem is deeply rooted in her psyche and our children need to hear her message. Just stay in your dorm Elizabeth Lambert and forget about it.

My prediction still stands. Elizabeth Lambert will pose in Playboy.



Pontiac Silverdome Goes Cheap – $583,000

The Silverdome in Pontiac, MI – a massive dome that was the home of the Detroit Lions during the Barry Sanders years, was sold at auction at a super low price, according to the experts. Here are the Detroit News details…

What exactly do you do with a Silverdome in Pontiac, MI? Nothing. So, why are people saying that $583,000 was so cheap?

The kick to the nuts of the people in the Detroit area – it was built for $55.7 million and just a few years ago a $20 million deal to sell it, fell through. The city needed to free itself of the $1.5 million yearly upkeep. At $10,000 an acre, the land was worth more than what the building was sold for.

What would you do with this thing?

The world’s largest homeless shelter? That’s all I got.



Medicated Pete’s Miserable, Tear-Inducing Date

Poor Medicated Pete! The guy was sniffling on the Howard Stern Show this morning after Dyna, the girl in the wheelchair that Medicated Pete had said he was in love with, rejected him following their first and only date. Get the recap here…

Medicated Pete practices his technique with Reby Sky.

Medicated Pete practices his technique with Reby Sky.

The audio told the story. Or, the lack of audio told the story. It was a miserable failure and a sad audio spectacle. As Artie brought up, imagine hearing the audio from your crappiest dates.

They gave Medicated Pete a little practice with Reby Sky, but he still struggled. It’s kind of hard to talk to a girl that you’re attracted to when you’re a 34 year old virgin that’s never been on a date…and you have Tourette’s – believe me, I know. Best of luck to you Pete! You’re alright with me.

Curious about Tourette’s? Check out the National Tourette Syndrome Association…