Brown Bazooka

Woman attacked by Chimp – on Oprah (Pictures)

The most famous woman to be attacked by a chimp was on Oprah and now she’s doing a “Don’t Hang Out With People Who Have Pet Chimps” safety tour. She’s spreading the good word and taking her freeak show on the road. It’s not her fault though, not really. But, come on…you’re keeping company with people who own chimpanzees. And, who names their chimp (or any pet) “Travis?” Here’s what she looks like post-chimp-attack.

Every Which Way But Loose

I’ve been attacked by a drunk redneck with a mullet, juiced-up frat boys, old ladies with stiff purses, Dobermans, mosquitoes, bees, and angry ex-girlfriends – but never a chimp. The drunk redneck dotted my eye, the juiced-up frat boys chipped my tooth and the angry ex-girlfriends made me laugh (even my current, live-in girlfriend hits me from time to time, and the fact that I called her “live-in” is going to earn me another shot).

But, I’ve never been attacked by a chimp. A chimp will do some damage, as we’re now all well aware. And anything will set them off – a new hairstyle, a big white smile, a bright sweater. Now that I think about it, I kind of sound like a chimp.

I wouldn’t go near an adult chimp even if my mother had raised it, and she has a heart of gold. If anybody could raise a sweet chimp, it’d be my mom. It’d be a fat thing that snacked all day while watching Court TV – but I wouldn’t go near it. It’d rip my face off as soon as I put the baseball game on.

Elizabeth Lambert Speaks Out on Today Show? No, they are liars – Playboy Prediction still holds

You can be sure that Hugh Heffner is awaiting Elizabeth Lambert’s Today Show appearance to determine how much airbrushing will be needed to make the soccer goon presentable in a spread. I was waiting, too. But, the Today Show lied. Matt Lauer is a liar. Did she back out? What is the deal Today Show? Focus less on Bon Jovi and more on landing violent, female soccer players, like my girlfriend.

So, the real question behind this whole Elizabeth Lambert soccer fiasco is, “Who is the loser filming a girl’s soccer game, anyway?” What a terrible job for this poor soul that is forced to watch an entire girl’s soccer game.

Elizabeth Lambert Soccer Fight Girl

I imagine that this is what Elizabeth Lambert would have said, had she actually been on the Today Show. “I was having a bad day that day and the competition was so heated. That girl’s soccer game got so intense that I couldn’t contain myself.” Come on, it’s a bunch of girls walking around in shorts and knee-high socks, kicking at balls and flitting their pony tails around. Wait, that does sound intense…

Elizabeth Lambert did what anyone who’s been forced to sit through an entire girl’s soccer game wants to do, yank players down by their pony tails and throw a couple of elbows.

Is she going to announce to Al Roker, live on the Today Show, her plan to be in Playboy? I think it’s going to happen at some point.

Elizabeth Lambert Will Pose in Playboy (Girl from soccer fight)

You’ve probably seen the lowlight video of the women’s BYU (I thought that was a boy’s only school) vs. New Mexico soccer match where Elizabeth Lambert tormented a team full of other girls that were marginally prettier. Here’s a link to the video highlights. Go Lobos!

Her name is Elizabeth Lambert and I’m predicting that she’ll be posing in Playboy very soon. She looks like she might be kind of hot, but that doesn’t matter. Heffner, or some other magazine, will want her to compromise her girls’ soccer morals and take off her shin guards. Actually, leave the shin guards and cleats on and take everything else off if you’re going to do it.

Elizabeth Lambert Playboy Posing?

Call me Pele, if you're nasty!

And after seeing this picture, and the look in her eye, I’m changing my prediction from Playboy to Hustler.

I was going to link to ESPN for the footage, but I find it rather humorous that people are bootlegging off their own TVs and posting it to you YouTube. That’s excellent photo journalism and an awesome way to use time – just like this blog. If you like that kind of quality then I’ve got some videos of a local theater’s rendition of “Race” I’ll trade you for any old Entertainment Tonight bootlegs you have.

The Worst Way to Die?
October 29, 2009, 8:54 pm
Filed under: Nature, Women | Tags: , , ,

Taylor Mitchell, a young and promising Canadian folk artist, was attacked this week by a skinny of coyotes during a hike she took alone in the Nova Scotia wilderness. I’ve never heard of her, but she was currently being nominated for Young Performer of the Year by the Canadian Folk Music Awards.

She died in the hospital following a 12 hour struggle. There can’t be too many ways to die that would be worse than a slow death following a Canadian coyote attack.

From what I know (which isn’t much) coyotes are skittish animals. In fact, they frequented my yard when I was growing up. A skinny of them occasionally wandered my yard. Late at night you could hear them cooing from the open field of the airport, waiting for the next deer carcass.

Coyotes are jerks and that’s all there is to it.

Lovely Pair

Two at Chile's

Dinner at Chile’s, your best pair of jeans, and who-knows-what else. Sometimes you’re just in the right place at the right time.




Detroit Tigers Superfan
October 24, 2009, 8:06 pm
Filed under: MLB, Women | Tags: ,

Before the Tigers totally blew first place in the Central Division, they were playing games at Comerica park in some rather cold weather. This woman endured the cold to witness their demise.

This lady will tell you, Detroit is a baseball town - the evidence is in her bare shinned witnessing of the Tigers fall from first in their last few games.

This lady will tell you, Detroit is a baseball town - the evidence is in her bare shinned witnessing of the Tigers fall from first in their last few games.

Now that I think about it, the real Superfan is actually her son who was recognized the “Superfan-ness” in his own mother enough to suit her up and wheel her around the park. Go Tigers.