Brown Bazooka

Lauren Johnson, “Girl Who Can’t Stop Sneezing,” Loses 8 Brain Cells Per Sneeze

It’s a scientific fact! Every time you sneeze you kill 8 brain cells. Yesterday I killed 48 brain in a ten second span. When I sneeze, I go all out. In fact, my sneezes are so violent that it’s safe to say I’m dropping 10 brain cells per rip. And what about this little girl who constantly sneezes? She’s got to be a little slow by now after sneezing for two weeks.

Lauren Johnson, girl who can't stop sneezing

Sorry Lauren Johnson, I’m not buying it. I’m not buying your two-week sneeze-fest.

This kid was on the Today Show (which is an awesome show) and she was constantly sneezing. If she’s killing 8 brain cells per sneeze, and she’s sneezing all day long, 12,000 sneezes per day, she’s can’t be a very bright girl. Do the math.


Woman attacked by Chimp – on Oprah (Pictures)

The most famous woman to be attacked by a chimp was on Oprah and now she’s doing a “Don’t Hang Out With People Who Have Pet Chimps” safety tour. She’s spreading the good word and taking her freeak show on the road. It’s not her fault though, not really. But, come on…you’re keeping company with people who own chimpanzees. And, who names their chimp (or any pet) “Travis?” Here’s what she looks like post-chimp-attack.

Every Which Way But Loose

I’ve been attacked by a drunk redneck with a mullet, juiced-up frat boys, old ladies with stiff purses, Dobermans, mosquitoes, bees, and angry ex-girlfriends – but never a chimp. The drunk redneck dotted my eye, the juiced-up frat boys chipped my tooth and the angry ex-girlfriends made me laugh (even my current, live-in girlfriend hits me from time to time, and the fact that I called her “live-in” is going to earn me another shot).

But, I’ve never been attacked by a chimp. A chimp will do some damage, as we’re now all well aware. And anything will set them off – a new hairstyle, a big white smile, a bright sweater. Now that I think about it, I kind of sound like a chimp.

I wouldn’t go near an adult chimp even if my mother had raised it, and she has a heart of gold. If anybody could raise a sweet chimp, it’d be my mom. It’d be a fat thing that snacked all day while watching Court TV – but I wouldn’t go near it. It’d rip my face off as soon as I put the baseball game on.