Brown Bazooka

Someone Stole My Mexican Baby

Three doctors, a nurse and a receptionist have all been arrested for swiping babies in Mexico. Is this really necessary? I mean, there’s got to be enough to go around. That’s like stealing out of the “Give a Penny, Take a Penny” cup at the gas station.

And a receptionist? What kind of role were they playing in this whole deal? Did they have to stand in front of the nurse while she walked out with a baby under her shirt? A married couple and a woman who bought a couple of babies were also arrested – I guess for buying babies?

The doctors were telling the parents of the newborns that their babies had died while the nurses snuck behind them with the babies up their shirts – pulling the old, Hidden Ball Trick #67. When the parents asked, “Can we see our dead baby?” the doctors would simply reply, “No, you can’t. The baby has already evaporated into thin air which is what Mexican babies do when they die, leaving behind a small pile of good-smelling dust which I’ve put into this baggy.”

In all honesty, these doctors were actually telling the parents that their babies were cremated. So, my little bit about the dust really isn’t too far off.

A mother asked the doctor for the baby’s ashes or at least a death certificate October 27, and the doctor replied: “I already told you. She died. I took her to be incinerated. There’s nothing more to talk about or do. The documents are on the way.”

What do you think the price is for a Mexican baby? (Answer below)

Stolen Mexican Baby

Mexican babies were going for $1,100.

Dude, where’s my van? Oh, there it is!

A VW fun-bus that was stolen 35 years ago has finally been recovered and it’s in mint condition. It had been purchased originally for a few hundred dollars, and the experts now say it’s worth $27,000. “Hey, I’m a VW bus expert! Look at me! I’ll tell you what a VW van is worth!”

VW Van found

Upon retrieval, the owner immediately squirted it with patchouli and put a peace frog sticker in the back window. Actually, the stabbin’ cabin went to the insurance company that had paid off its original owner. So, right now, some AllState insurance dink is cruising around on shakedown street. Just give the dude his van back man!

Elizabeth Lambert Will Pose in Playboy (Girl from soccer fight)

You’ve probably seen the lowlight video of the women’s BYU (I thought that was a boy’s only school) vs. New Mexico soccer match where Elizabeth Lambert tormented a team full of other girls that were marginally prettier. Here’s a link to the video highlights. Go Lobos!

Her name is Elizabeth Lambert and I’m predicting that she’ll be posing in Playboy very soon. She looks like she might be kind of hot, but that doesn’t matter. Heffner, or some other magazine, will want her to compromise her girls’ soccer morals and take off her shin guards. Actually, leave the shin guards and cleats on and take everything else off if you’re going to do it.

Elizabeth Lambert Playboy Posing?

Call me Pele, if you're nasty!

And after seeing this picture, and the look in her eye, I’m changing my prediction from Playboy to Hustler.

I was going to link to ESPN for the footage, but I find it rather humorous that people are bootlegging off their own TVs and posting it to you YouTube. That’s excellent photo journalism and an awesome way to use time – just like this blog. If you like that kind of quality then I’ve got some videos of a local theater’s rendition of “Race” I’ll trade you for any old Entertainment Tonight bootlegs you have.

Nutt Sacking in the News

Finally, a news story without all the death, violence and disease. You might as well call me Jay Leno.

From the BBC  – MPs seek answers on Nutt sacking

Nutt sack

Osage Oranges

I was out walking the dogs at the Battleground Park, stumbling around near old cabins from ages ago when I came across what looked like lime green brains in the grass. Upon further review and research I discovered what they were. (Okay, the Old Lady figured it out)

Osage Orange

Beyond OK and AK these trees are quite rare, I believe. And Osage Orange trees don’t get fruity unless they’re female and they’re 10 years old.

Osage Orange

The Osage Orange, they say, was planted as a natural barrier to protect properties from poaching.

Osage Orange

I have this cucumber air freshener in my car that’s powered by the cigarette lighter (I mean the power adapter) and it smells like this damn Osage Orange! It’s amazing. This crazy fruit has the skin of an old lizard, the guts of a coconut crossed with a kiwi, and the smell of a fanned, freshly-sliced cucumber in the hands of a beach-tanning Seth MacFarlane.

Osage Orange

Native American warriors incorporated the Osage Oranges into their war clubs. These things are bad ass. When I was walking the dogs I feared gravity yanking one down onto the head of my little miniature dachshund. She would have been crushed by these lizard-skinned, lime green demon fruits. The Osage Orange is an awesome tree with skinny leaves that get yellow in autumn. You can also call them hedge apples, if you’re a pussy.